I have been a nurse for a very long time, in many settings, in many states, in many specialties. You might ask me, what is my favorite thing about being a nurse. I am not sure I could answer that; there are many wonderful things. However, I can tell you what my least favorite thing is, and that is working on Christmas.

Many nurses are extremely generous; they will take a Christmas day shift or a Christmas Eve shift for a colleague who has children at home. I want to be like them, but I am not, I still hate the idea of working on Christmas.

In my first job out of college I worked on Christmas. I was working in a small town in southwestern Montana, and I had gone to my childhood home in northcentral Montana for “Christmas”. I was scheduled to work at 3:00 PM on Christmas day. I got up at my parents’ home on Christmas morning, with all of my siblings sleeping throughout the house, my parents in their bedroom, and I got in my car to drive back for my shift. No one got up to say good-bye. I just looked at the tree with all the presents under it and cried as I left, by myself.

I didn’t have enough gas and had a very hard time finding an open gas station, I didn’t know they would be closed on Christmas, I was young and naïve. As I approached the town I was working in, I slid off the road. I just sat in the ditch and cried, mind you this was before cell phones. The farmer whose land I was on had seen me go off the road and came out in his tractor. He took me to his house where his family was gathered and had me sit in the kitchen with his wife as he pulled my car out. I then got back in my car and kept driving so I could get to work, I was crying. I got to work on time, I did my shift, I am pretty sure I was not nice company to the patients or the other staff.

Five years later, I was in the hospital on Christmas day, in the NICU, with my daughter. Then I went home without her, feeling very sad that I had a baby in the hospital on Christmas day. Her dad and I were home without her.

Many more Christmas days have come and gone, and I have worked many of them, always unhappy that I am working. Thankfully, over the years, another part of my heart has finally opened up, the part that is able to see others. I see those who are less fortunate than me. Moms and dads who come in on Christmas to see their babies in the NICU and go home without them. I still cry if I am in the hospital on Christmas day, but my tears are not for myself, they are for all the families who are having to celebrate without their babies at home.

But there is another type of tear I cry now, more important tears, less selfish tears. These are tears of happiness; for the lives that will be coming for these families. These are tears of gratitude for all the nurses who have been there on Christmas day, and many other days throughout the year. Working Christmas is not a chore, it is an honor. I wish I had learned this when I was younger, I am glad that I have learned it now.